I recently asked “how can parents help protect their children from sexual predators online?”. The answer is, the same way you help keep them away from predators everywhere else. Protect children when young, arm them with the skills they need to value themselves, and help them feel empowered to say no. Give them the love and support they need, and pray that they will be among the majority of kids and teens that will go through childhood without being victims of sexual exploitation. Then, you give them all the support they need should they get hurt.

Contrary to sensationalized media coverage, we should be celebrating the marked decrease in sexual exploitation over the last decade. In fact, between 1993 and 2003, the rape/sexual assault victimization rate for youth ages 12–17 fell 46 percent. (National Center for Juvenile Justice, 2006). 

This decline stands in stark contrast to the extreme level of anxiety the media has generated amongst parents. Research by McAfee, (Oct 2008) that found “about two-thirds of mothers of teens in the United States are just as, or more, concerned about their teenagers’ online safety, such as from threatening e-mails or solicitation by online sexual predators, as they are about drunken driving (62 percent) and experimenting with drugs (65 percent).” There are certainly reasons for concern about online safety, but this level of angst is entirely unwarranted.

What we do know is that while the majority of teens (rarely young kids) will at some point receive sexual solicitations online, most simply delete the message with little more than a passing thought of ‘jerk’ – just like they do with unwanted sexual solicitations in the rest of their lives. Those most at risk are youth who are already emotionally and or physically vulnerable.

To decrease a child's risk of sexual exploitation in every environment, there are several steps parents and caregivers should take:

1. Give your child unconditional love and self-confidence so they don't feel a need to seek acceptance or validation from unhealthy sources.

2. Don't teach 'stranger danger'. No one has the right to touch them inappropriately. Let them know they have the right to set boundaries on physical contact with everyone. They must be able to say no to things that make them uncomfortable, and it must be respected. It may embarrass you when they don't want a hug from Auntie Sue, but making them give a hug when they don't want to teaches children that they don’t have the right to physical boundaries...and creates a climate of opportunity for sexual predators.

3. Foster a relationship of trust and communication so they feel safe coming to you with problems. Let them know you are always available to talk and that you will listen calmly and provide assistance – not punishment for bringing the problem to you.

4. Help them create a large circle of quality friends so they have a strong support network, and teach them to be good friends to others.

5. Be frank in discussions about their bodies, and as they get older discuss their sexuality and the sexuality of others. Avoiding these topics leaves a large gap in their defenses.

6. Coach your child in understanding how to read the motivations of others. It is a critical life skill to understand what is behind other people's actions. If the actions don’t feel right, encourage your child to go with their gut – no explanation needed.

7. Provide a safe environment with supervision and boundaries. Know where they are and whom they are with. Know who they communicate with in person and online – and do it without spying. Spying is a sure relationship destroyer.

8. Childhood is a journey to adulthood. Help kids and teens take on new privileges as they have the skills and understand the responsibilities to do so. Help them see the correlation between new privileges and the mastery of new skills and the acceptance of new responsibilities – online and offline. This teaches them to be in control of their own destiny and understand cause and effect.

9. Most sexual exploitation is by family members or other trusted adults. In these cases, the first person 'groomed' is usually the caregiver. Once an abuser has the caregiver’s trust, they have access to the child. It is imperative that you be very particular about who you trust and that you pay attention to anything that strikes you as out of the ordinary – trust your own gut. There are usually warning signs in these cases that the caregiver rationalized or chose to overlook.

10. Believe your child, or other children who turn to you for support.

11. Indifference and silence are child predator's greatest allies. Be prepared to act in defense of your child or other’s children. Do not sacrifice a child to 'save a marriage', 'a family' or 'a friendship'. By abusing a child, the abuser has already betrayed and killed those relationships. Whatever you imagine is still there is an illusion. If you suspect abuse, report it immediately.

12. Children often won't disclose abuse because they fear the consequence will be even worse that the exploitation. The first goal of a sexual predator is to abuse the child. Their second goal is often to make the child believe it was their own fault, feel responsible for what will happen to the abuser (particularly family members), or feel afraid that they will be hurt even more if they tell. Support the victim and repeat frequently that they are not responsible for the consequences of the abuser’s actions.

13. Some teens won’t even recognize they have been abused – they get so mentally groomed that it may take years before they understand that what they experienced wasn’t a ‘love relationship’. They may even fight against punishing their abuser. But it doesn’t change the reality of exploitation, it just means they need even more help to process what happened to them.

14. THE VICTIM IS NEVER AT FAULT. NEVER. We don’t blame five-year-old victims of sexual exploitation. We don’t blame fifty-five-year-old victims. Yet somehow as a society, we find it acceptable to be horribly cruel to teen victims. We say things like ‘What did they think would happen?’, ‘dressed like that/behaving like that/sneaking out like that… they got what they deserve’, or we accuse them with words like ‘how could you have..?’, ‘I told you not to..’, or ‘what was your part in this?’ What the victim hears in these comments is you siding with the predator by implying it was the victim’s fault. These comments, and the attitudes behind them, are inexcusable. Anyone making these comments is another abuser heaping additional harm on an already devastated child or teen.

The online world is not a mystery; it is just another facet of our lives. When children and teens learn the life-skills – including online-life-skills - they need, and receive the support they require, their risk of becoming a victim of sexual exploitation is minimized – online and offline.

Linda